To Be Slow

I have re-written this particular post at least half a dozen times.  Each time I finish, I go back through and read it and still feel like there is something missing; then I had this great conversation about the word that follows with my 14 and 16 year old sons.  They shared some great wisdom and perspective! (Yeah, I know; some feel that teen and wisdom are not two words that typically go together.) Before, I get into the wonderful insight which my boys shared with me let me give you a little background of why this word is one that makes you scratch your head and say hmm.

 One day I was working on some paperwork when I messed up, and without a second thought I said something.  Shortly after I spoke; someone turned to me and said very kindly, “Please do not use that word, I find it offensive.”  It was after that, I had to dig a little deeper to see why people get offended when particular words are said.  I had to take the opportunity to educate myself and maybe others!

What was the offensive word that spewed from out of my mouth?  I had said "oh that was so retarded!" Retard or retarded is a term I have always typically used to call myself or something that I have done wrong.  I do not direct it towards anyone and have never given it much thought.   It is not to say that I didn't understand why the word retard offended the individual, because I do. I am a parent of a child with special needs, as is the individual whom I offended.

So after that fateful day I came home and went to find my ever trusty Webster’s New Encyclopedic Dictionary that my grandmother had purchased for me back when I first started college (in the 90’s).  I flipped through the pages until I found the word retard.  Here is the definition of the word retard: to slow up or hold back; to be slow.   Instantly I had to wonder why anyone would get offended by that?!  I mean really….who doesn't have a little retard in them?  I know I do!  I am a self-proclaimed math retard!  My inability to work quickly through a math problem kept me away from going back to school for, well, way longer than I would like to admit.  Wanting to further enlighten myself, I did a Google search of retard; A LOT pops up about how or why people shouldn't use the “R” word, how offensive it is, etc... But nothing popped up about word origins.

OK, now for a little history on the word.  Retard comes from the Latin word retardare “to make slow, delay, keep back, to hinder,” my 14 year old informed me that the word ritardando (which also happens to have roots from the Latin word retardare) is used in the musical word and it means a slowing down; or deceleration.   Mental retardation means the same as mentally delayed. So by definition there is nothing derogatory about the word retard.  It is in the power we give it! It was in the 1960’s that the word retard started to be used in a derogatory sense. It is when we allow uneducated rhetoric to sway our thoughts that we allow even more demeaning terms to be adopted.  Step into the 21^st century and the realm of political correctness. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the DSM) which is considered the bible of mental disorders has changed the wording of the diagnosis from mental retardation to intellectual disability. Here in lies another questions, what about the word disable?  Back to that trusty dictionary; disable means to make unable or incapable.  So by calling someone disabled are we saying they are incapable of doing one thing or another?   In this politically correct world we live in are we actually being more demeaning?  I personally would much rather be labeled slow then to have a label slapped on me saying I was incapable!

If you haven’t noticed yet, it is the modern world that has placed the negative connotation onto retard, a term meaning slow. Now, I am not some heartless witch!  When I see people use the word in a judgmental way it makes me sad. I have the wonderful opportunity to work with many who have special needs, and I have come into contact with many who have the diagnosis of mental retardation intellectual disability.  I enjoy the opportunities I have to spend time with them, and I am constantly learning from them. If someone uses the word retard in a harmful way, I make sure they understand that the word means to be slow at something and each and every one of us is slow at something!

Now for the wisdom of my teenagers!  While driving them across town to school, I asked them both if they would be offended if someone called them retarded.  The 14 year old was the first to pipe up replying “No, because I know it isn't true.”  Then came the 16 year old reply “well duh!”  To understand the difference in replies you need to know that my 16 year old is an Aspie (he has Asperger Syndrome.)  After we talked about the word and what it really meant, with all the wisdom of a 16 year old, he said “well it is just dumb that people think the word retard means stupid!”  Amen to that!  We closed the conversation as we pulled up to the high school with my advice to him.  If someone calls him retarded, he should smile and say “Why yes, I am slow at a few things (after all the word retard means to be slow), but I would much rather be slow then stupid!  (Stupid: lacking intelligence or common sense) And your improper use of the word retard shows your stupidity, buy a dictionary!”  They both laughed, and said almost in unison, “OK mom, we will have the smarter mouth!”