Sorry in advance for the jumble of thoughts and feelings.......
By definition grief is a multifaceted
response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone that has died, to which a
bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional
response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social,
spiritual, and philosophical dimensions.
Each person acts differently as
they move through the process. For some
it is only a matter of days while others grieve for years upon years. If it is only for a few days, has the person
really allowed time to work through all the various dimensions of the process
or are they simply doing what the departed would have wanted them to do? I find grief to be like a roller coaster with
lots of ups and downs; one day you feel great and feel like I can just pick up
right where you left off and other days you feel like your world is crumbling
around you.
December 21st 2014 my dad passed
away after a very short battle with an extremely aggressive bone cancer. It all happened so fast that it almost feels
like a bit of a blur. Sometime in November,
after going back to work (after a week off to go hunting) he moved a heavy
(450+lbs) piece of equipment. He thought
it was just a pulled muscle and said he would talk to the doctor about it when
he went in for a check up on December 1st. Prior to Thanksgiving he went in to have
blood drawn to be prepared for the 1st. So the 1st came and the doctor
said there were markers for cancer as well as a degenerative bone disorder
present and he wanted to send dad in for a bone scan. The scan took place on
the 3rd. On the 4th the family doctor told them there was
evidence of bone cancer. Dad went to an
oncologist on the 9th where he was put through every test known to
mankind (ok…so it only feels like that).
On the 14th the oncologist called mom and said it didn't look
good, but they would talk more about it the next day because they had another
appointment. December 15th
the official diagnosis came: TERMINAL AGGRESSIVE BONE CANCER. There was nothing they could do but make dad
comfortable. He could be admitted to a
hospital or go home, and dad wanted to go home.
The doctor said it could be a few days or a few months; there were just
no way to tell how long it would be.
Phone calls were made and family rushed to be by his side.
It was finals week at school for
me, apparently I didn't have enough stress going on in my life? (Mental note to
self: you are only given what you can handle!) I had many people tell me to
skip the final and to withdraw from school for spring semester, but the truth
is had I done so dad would have kicked my butt as soon as I got to his
bedside. He wouldn't want me to quit living
because I am sad; he would want me to work through it and move on. After that fateful phone call from my mom I
pulled myself together and went to campus to talk to my professor. He is awesome and wrote the final up just so
I could take it early. Under the circumstances
I expected to fall flat on my face, and much to my delight I still managed an
“A” in the class.
Now that the grieving process is in full swing, I
know I am overly mopey but I know as time goes on it will be less and
less. In all honesty I feel like I am ok
as long as people don’t ask “how are you”.
Part of me wants to say “crappy, thanks for asking” but I hold myself
back because I know asking someone how they are is completely natural. My weight is like a yo-yo. I really don’t want to be around people. The first Sunday back at church (one week
since dad passed) while uplifting was also my own personal hell. I tried to walk with my head down and tried
to avoid as much eye contact as I could.
I just didn't want to talk to people.
Thankfully I think most people caught on to my don’t talk to me vibe and
only a few people walked up and gave me a hug, told me they have been thinking
about me and how myself and my family were in their prayers. Each time I completely lost it! Don’t get me
wrong, there was a small part of me that did appreciate the hugs and kind
words, I just didn't have a desire to be social in any way, shape or form.
I didn't realize it until I was talking with a
friend the other day that for me part of the healing process is making sure
that my dad’s final wishes are fulfilled. Years ago when he told me he wanted
to be cremated and taken home to Wrangell to have his remains spread in several
of his favorite locations, my initial thought was “um…ok” but now I am beyond
thankful that I knew what he wanted. The
day after he passed I had asked my friends on Facebook to make donations so we
could make sure his wishes were fulfilled.
I had one of my sisters childhood friends tell me I should start a
Gofundme page, so I did! My feelings are a little mixed on this. After reading about “symptoms” of grief I realize
that my mixed feelings have a lot to do with me working through things since dad has passed on. All of the support is overwhelming. I am working to keep the pessimism and
grumpiness grief from taking over. There have
been tons of shares, but really nothing coming of them. The pity train has been
cruising through my head over and over and it really is taking a lot of effort
to stop it dead in its tracks. I know if God is willing, things will fall into
place and I am just being very impatient.
I am continually reminding myself of this! I know that I am impatient, I always have
been but this for me a new all-time high of impatience and pessimism.
Through this processes I tried to
see as many silver linings as I could.
So here they are:
 |
| Great Grandma and Grandpa with all the Great Grandkids |
- We got to see dad before he left this
mortal life. Many of his final words to
me will forever be burned upon my mind.
- My grandparents came from Alaska and my
youngest was able to meet them
- The cousins got to hang out
- My dad’s half brother called me after a
2+ yr hiatus (I wish he would have called dad but what can a girl do?)
I will always miss him, but I can
be thankful for the little and sometimes silly things even if right now I
cannot think of any, I know I will find them. It is interesting how certain sights, smells,
sounds, etc... Remind us of loved ones. Though
my grandpa is still living when I smell fiberglass I am automatically taken
back to the boat being on the dry dock getting a new fiberglass shell and
getting to hang out with Grandpa. My
maternal grandmother who passed on in 2006, its link sausage; as a little girl
she would take me to the Dock Side restaurant and I would get sausage. When she first died I couldn't eat a link
sausage without bursting into tears. Yes,
I still think of her when I eat sausage but now it is fondly because I am so
thankful I have that silly little memory.
My kids packed home tools that belonged to my dad, and dad was a Snap On
man. The other day I saw a little Snap
On kit in the garage and yep you guessed it, the tears just started to flow
without even thinking. I know that
eventually this too will not be bitter, but will be one of those silly sweet
memories of dad.
